It was two years since my Dad died last Friday. I felt the pressure to feel particlarly sad on the day, although I don't know why that's important. I feel sad whenever I think of Dad dying, but life must go on and there isn't much good to be achieved to wallow from morning to night - that's what time alone is for. I felt sad, and appeciated the few texts from friends I received (it really meant a lot that some had remembered), but it was still just another day that he was gone.
My home town
At my Mum's during the evening we didn't talk about Dad a lot. We were busy talking about my new job, and discussing my move to Nottingham. Mum mentioned him during dinner though and we gave a toast and thought about how proud he would have been. I'd give anything to tell him and see his face. He saw me become a teacher, get a degree and learn to drive, but he didn't get to see me own a home, or get married, or have children. I guess there's always something. It's always too early when people leave.
The rest of the weekend was fine. I saw some friends on Saturday night and felt excited to return home. It made me remember the social life I once had! It feels like teachers don't want to socialise outside of work, and I haven't made any friends in Leicester, so it will be so nice returning to a place where I can, at least now and then, go out for a drink and catch up with people or attend life drawing classes (I need to show you guys my drawings from that!).
Then on mother's day my brother and I went for a meal with Mum. It was nice to go out with our significant others but just as a family for a change. Not that I don't want my boyfriend involved in my family... I love that he is, but it was nice to just be together as a three. We ate in Petit Paris - a sweet little French restaurant with slightly grumpy waiters and nice food. Then for the rest of the weekend Mum and I talked about houses and where I would live in Nottingham. It's pretty exciting but we need to sell the house in Leicester first.
On the 28th it was a year since my Dad died. I was worried about teaching teenagers on an emotional day, so told my employer and organised a day off. It turned out as it was the last day of term half the students weren't in, or were doing exams anyway.
I spent the day pottering around the house and hanging out with the dog. At one point, watching Scrubs, I got quite upset. It just happened to be the episode where Perry is talking to his brother, and then realises he's at his funeral, but all his friends are there to support him. The dog noticed I was upset and came and gave me a cuddle.
I then drove back to Mum's where my brother and his wife were visiting, and one of Dad's close friends. We didn't talk about Dad that much, and I didn't want to push it and make people upset, but I would have liked to have talked about our happy memories a bit more. I did think about them during the day though, and I know everyone else did, so I guess we did that on our own.
My boyfriend came and joined us and we all sat and had a drink. Mum fell asleep fairly early, and so we all headed off to bed. It was a quiet day and I don't think anyone felt there was much to say, other than... we survived it, but we still miss him.
I still miss my Dad every day and wish I could talk to him about so many things. Thankfully I have a supportive partner who has helped me to feel safe and cared for by being consistent and letting me know that he isn't going anywhere. I am so thankful for that.
I hope those of you who are missing someone take care of yourselves and get support from your families. It's a terrible thing to go through, and a stressful situation will just make it worse, so look after yourself.
Christmas was strange this year, as it was the first Christmas since my Dad died. I didn't particularly enjoy it this year but it wasn't horrendous; my family are fairly good at putting on a brave face. As I'm the youngest, my brother had his fiance here, and my Mum thinks my brother is the most amazing person on earth and can do no wrong, I felt pretty left out. Dad was my supporter and without him it's hard not to feel a bit isolate. My boyfriend usually gets me through family things by backing me up, or at least sticking by my side, but he was in London with his family for Christmas. Anyway, present wise, I can't complain. In photo form, here are the items I was given:
Yes, I opened them all in front of my family (Embarrasing... thanks goes to the boyfriend for that one). I can't use the Iphone 5 yet till I get a nano sim, but I'm excited to use it! I bought my boyfriend an iPad, which i'm equally excited to use... since I'm living with him I'll probably use it as much as he does! So all in all, not a bad hoard. I hope you had a nice Christmas. If you didn't... don't worry. I'm pretty sure a lot of us are in the same boat on that one. It's never as good as it looks on the adverts. Remember, they're being paid to smile.
It's my first Christmas without Dad. He's been gone for 8 months now. It's so hard to believe, I'm still not used to it. I wanted to write a post for everyone else who is missing someone this Christmas. I think Christmas and birthdays are the times when you really notice that they're gone. I know a lot of people have lost a loved one this year, many losing people they are close to around Christmas time. It seems almost half the people at my work have lost someone close to them this year, and luckily , with some of them, it's been nice to have the opportunity to speak to each other about our own grief. The best we can do is remember our loved ones, and think of them with happy memories. My Dad was a brilliant person I am so thankful to him for instilling in me a desire to learn, to be good to others and to be silly. I remember him often saying, when I declared how easy it would be to steal something unattended from outside a shop, "Just because you can do it, doesn't mean you should". He also once got chatting to some people who lived near where he worked, and found out they struggled to mow the lawn, so he went round and mowed it on his lunch break every few weeks for a whole summer. He was an honest and kind man and I know a lot of people who spent a lot of time with him really miss him, it isn't just me.
Luckily I have a good family, and a loving boyfriend to get me through the sad times. I really feel for the people who have lost a partner or close family member, and don't have others to keep them feeling safe and loved. It upsets me that people will be alone this Christmas. If you want to donate to a charity that looks after people who are left alone, my friend volunteers for a fantastic charity in Nottingham called 'The Good Shepherd SVP Conference'
If you would like to donate, the address is: The Good Shepherd SVP Conference, 3 Thackerays La Nottingham NG5 4HT
So if you've lost someone this year, my heart goes out to you. You're not the only one, there are many people grieving. Remember your loved one this Christmas and keep them in your heart.
My Dad passed away nearly 3 months ago. Obviously I'm still grieving, and this is a difficult time for me. I always felt that those who have lost someone react through instinct, but since he passed away, I feel as if I have had options on how to deal with this. I've never lost someone close to me before, only grandparents or an uncle, but no one I felt really connected to. It seems when someone you loved is gone, there are different routes you can take, and I think there is some element of choice.
Before Dad died, I knew he was ill and that it would eventually happen. I thought that I would take to my bed and not move for days. I think some people do react in that way, but for my family it didn't feel like an option. We all tried to be strong and try to carry on right from the beginning. We all felt awful and broke down from time to time, but we didn't let ourselves mope or dwell. I think a lot of people think that is the way people deal with death, but it usually isn't. People I've spoken to who have gone through this before have said the same thing.
I think about Dad a lot. I don't cry every day, but I do think about him and feel pain. When I do think about him, and go over things in my mind, I know I could push them out of my mind and force myself to think of something else. I feel like I need to spend this time letting myself think about him and the things I am going to miss in order to deal with the situation, and also because Dad deserves to be missed and thought about.
I think in the Western world, we all grieve so quietly. I listened to a podcast about grief, called the Atheist podcast: Grief without God. The presenter talked about tribal funerals where they have these women present to 'facilitate' the grieving. Basically they wail and scream and cry in order to allow the family to do this to. I think this is a really therapeutic idea, no one would feel silly for being the most emotional person there, but everyone would have a chance to get their grief out.
I bought a book shortly after he passed away. My plan was to write down memories about Dad so in the future I can look back on them and know I won't forget things I feel are important. I know I enjoy reading journals from holidays and remembering times I would have otherwise forgotten about. I'm also scared of the idea of forgetting things, and them being gone forever. However, with everything being so raw, I haven't felt comfortable writing these things yet. I think it is something I will devote some time to, but when I feel ready.
I don't talk to my friends about my feelings. Mostly because they can't really relate to them, and I don't want to bring the mood down. I did go on the Macmillan forums and started talking to a girl from a town near me who is a similar age and recently lost her Mum. I think even though we don't know each other, and have never met, we both find it therapeutic to be able to message each other and talk about how we are feeling and things that we struggle with. We are in the same situation and are having the same thoughts and reactions to a massive thing in our lives. I would definitely recommend this to people. I don't have time or the energy to spend a lot of time on the forum message different people, but by messaging one person I feel like I have someone to talk to who understands.
I don't talk to my boyfriend about things much. If I wake up in the night and have had a bad dream, I will tell him briefly about it, and have a cuddle. I don't feel like I want to tell him all the things I'm feeling, but I don't think that's a bad thing. He knows I'm upset and is understanding, but sometimes it's just easier to talk to people who are going through the same thing than feeling like you're burdening someone.
I guess everyone reacts differently, but I think the way you react is to some degree a choice. If anyone reading this has gone through a similar situation, my thoughts are with you. Feel free to get in touch, or comment about your experiences.
Here is a song I have listened to by The Streets that talks about loss. I'm not a huge fan of The Streets, but I found this song quite moving.
So this is my first post! How exciting. I have been blogging on Tumblr for a few months but thought I would step it up.
When writing a document, I always tell my students to start with an introduction, so I thought I would begin by telling you a little of what to expect from this blog. I love lists, so this is the first of many:
1. Teaching
I am about to complete my first year of teaching in a Further Education College, and have also completed my PGCE this year, so expect lots of interesting stories. My students tend to make me laugh on a daily basis, but they're trailing off at the moment, so the stories should pick up in September. However, I am using my free time at work wisely. I turned my friend's shoe into a face today....
2. Music
I will try to include some links to great songs I would like to share with you. Here's a taster.
3. Grief
I don't want this blog to be a downer, but I think it's important to talk about what matters to you. My father passed away two and a half months ago, and I think talking about it is probably therapeutic, and may be useful to others out there. Expect some reflection on the grieving process.
4. Fashion
I love fashion and like to put thought into what I wear. That's not to say I wear the most memorable outfits every day (I'm pretty useless at getting up at a reasonable time, and almost always find myself in a huge rush in the morning) so this won't be primarily a fashion blog, but I will talk about fashion ideas, and new purchases I think you may be interested in.
5. House sharing
I am currently sharing a house with 3 boys, so they may get a mention from time to time.
6. Love
I am dating a man I met in September last year, and all is going well. We may even move in together in September this year. Stand by for reflections on cohabiting with a partner, and whether it's easy! I've never lived with a boyfriend before so it's pretty exciting.
7. The finer things in life
I'm not one of those generic girls who knits and talks about cupcakes all the time, I feel like they're a dime a dozen these days, but I will mention if I come across any delicious wine or gorgeous cushions. Share the knowledge people!
8. Literature and Psychology
I have a degree in English Literature and Drama, and I will begin studying Psychology in September, so these topics will get a mention. I love to read, but I don't always get a lot of time. I will share about favourite books or anything I'm currently reading. I may share some exciting Psychology finds too, but I promise not to bore you silly!
That's basically the kinds of things this blog will cover, and potentially gives you a little insight into the kind of person I am. I like to think of myself as pretty hard working, and having a good sense of humour. I do find the concept of blogging does scream 'look at me, give me attention' a little, but I also like the way it can be a great way of writing, sharing ideas and reflecting on life events.
